A box called Responsibility

One of my friends texted me today to say ‘it’s good to see you posting about women positive thinking again rather than the men bashing posts you have been writing lately.’ I am not a feminist nor do I hate men, I just don’t like incompetent men, men that cheat, men that lies, men that pretend and fake, men who are indecisive, men who are racists, men who are control freaks and men who don’t take on responsibility. So, to be honest, I don’t think it’s such an exhaustive list of men I hate, just maybe there’s more men in the world with those characteristics nowadays than there ever was before.

Anyway, I thought this is a good opportunity for me to post about the men I actually like and appreciate. Unfortunately, not many men will fall in this category as far as I am concerned. One of my work colleagues recently made a remark about women being ‘too much’ nowadays and my response was; maybe it’s not that women are too much, just that we have high standards and guys don’t meet them in general - here we go, I am men bashing again!

I think there is distinctive difference between what is a man and what is a boy. There seems to be more boys around than men - or maybe I just don’t come across men that often, I can literally count on my fingers the number of ‘men’ I have come across in the past 10 years, and literally I think Muslim men are a drop in that handful.

So here we go, thank you to those few men out there who are actually being men and doing what they are supposed to do, and following the example of the prophet Muhammad ( peace be upon him)- the best of men.

My daughters are of the age now where they understand our family is different from most traditional muslim families - where you have a mother and a father. They do not mind it as such - single parenthood is quite a common thing in Europe, maybe not so much in the muslim community but they come it across at school etc. Nowadays, there are many more single muslim mums - not due to being widows (which was more common at the time of the prophet) but more so because of a higher divorce rate.

So, they ask questions about my marriage, whether they have a father or not etc. I have never lied to them - so they are aware their biological father is alive- although according to them, he lives ‘abroad’-something they came up with- and if that makes them happy- then so be it. People are easy to pass judgements, my kids are mixed-raced and their surname definitely give in that they are mixed. Not a lot of Muslims kids carry an English surname.

There are so many assumptions among Muslims, like for example if you are married to someone from a different race- it has to be a ‘love’ marriage; or if your spouse has a non-muslim name- then he/she converted to Islam out of love for you. Maybe in some Muslim ‘cultures; this is the norm - but to assume that this is the case for every single Muslim is choosing to be ignorant and judgemental - not all born muslim are cultural - some actually practice the religion, not the culture.

Moving on, the story I told my daughter is called ‘A box called Responsibility’. I made up this story so they can understand better and be grateful for what they have. The story goes, when babies are born, along comes a gigantic box called Responsibility. This box is the heaviest box anyone ever gets to lift - and only the strongest of people can actually do that. In a lot of families, two people need to lift this box and carry it cos it is SO heavy, and Allah knows one of them is not strong enough to do it by oneself, so he asks BOTH to carry it. 

But, in our family, Mummy is super duper strong, so Allah said ‘Mummy you can do it all by yourself, you don’t need dad’s help.’ So Mummy bent down and lifted the box, and she knew she could carry it all by herself. The box was heavy, but it was a lot of fun, and Mummy didn’t have to share any of things inside with anyone - she felt privilege that Allah chose her to have all the goodies in the box to herself. Some days though, this box does get heavier than usual, Allah puts more goodies in it, then Mummy feels tired and her back starts hurting - those are the days she needs help lifting the box. So then, Allah sends other people to help her carry the box; those are the nice people Allah puts on Mummy’s path and her children’s path - the people who just want to come and help just cos they are nice!

And sometimes, just because they (my kids) are so strong themselves, they give me a hand to carry the box. Kids from a single parent household tend to learn about responsibilities much earlier than other kids; the single parent depend on them as much as they depend on him/her.

Those friends, relatives, strangers who help us carry the box are our lifelines. Most single mums rely on their support network - they say it takes a village to raise a child and indeed it does - no matter how small that village is. Single mums tend to support each other, as we know of the struggle and the battles; but what is more amazing are those people who have not experienced our struggle, and yet they care enough to give us a helping hand and a shoulder. Those few people who recognise us, and see our struggle make a real difference to us - that stranger who stops in the shop to distract our children when they are having a meltdown, that friend who call to ask us how we are doing and if we need anything, the men who choose to play daddy in their lives - all of those people contribute in supporting us and we do not acknowledge them enough maybe verbally, but deep down you have no idea how grateful we are to those people. We do not want pity- we do not want those sorry looks - all we want is people to actually put into action what they are saying- actions speak louder than words and your actions tells us about your intentions.

So to those men, who comes in the form of our father/brother/cousin/friend or even stranger a big thank you for re-storing our hope in manhood. I am lucky enough that my brother chose to play that role in my family - although he has his own family, he still helps me with the school runs, with babysitting duties and so on. I could not have done it without him - when I gave up and didn’t believe in me, he pushed me to stand on my own feet - when I need a break, he takes time off work to look after my kids - and whenever he mentions having 4 kids, rather than 2- somewhere I feel even if something was to happen to me, he’d be there for them. My kids chose to call him ‘daddy’ and people have frown upon this as he is their uncle and it could confuse them- they are not confused - they are just giving him the respect and love he deserves.

A real man knows when to stand up and when to sit down; a real man knows how to take responsibility on (whether it’s his or not); a real man doesn’t just do the talk, but he also does the walk; a real man does not live in a fantasy world but faces reality ( no matter how ugly it is); a real man will know where his priorities lie; a real man will guide and support and finally he will give and command respect. So cheers to all the real men out there - keep up with it - we need you!

And for those Muslims out there who are scared of us single mums for whatever reasons - the prophet (peace be upon him) was raised by a single mother until she passed away, his first wife Khadija bint Khuwaylid was also a single mother and business woman, Maryam bint Imran was a single mother, Sawdah bint Zam’a ( the prophet’s 2nd wife) was a single mother who was old, Umm Salamah (another wife of the prophet) also a single mum and barren, Zaynab bin Jahsh a divorcee ( wife of the prophet), Ramla bint Abu Sufyan (wife of the prophet and a single mum) and Safiya bin Huyay (wife of the prophet belonging to a Jewish family).  We single mums and divorcees have so many examples to look up to and we should know our worth according to what the prophet has set and not what society wants us to think. Ladies let’s try to please Allah and his messenger (peace be upon him)!

Happily ever after is in the Hereafter

I was reading a post earlier and it said “Happily ever after is only in the Hereafter” and this made me smile. We are always running after this ‘Happily ever after’ in this world - the dream job, the dream house, the dream marriage/partner, the perfect kids, the perfect education, the perfect look etc etc. So many times, we feel we have failed cos we are nowhere near the targets we’ve set. We still have a long way to go or maybe we have given up on the idea of ever even getting there.

I personally had to change a lot of things in my life. When I was 18, I set some goals with a friend and we both decided by the time we are 29 we would have achieved so many things in life. Sadly, my friend passed away just after his 20th birthday so he didn’t get to fulfil any of his dreams. It was a bit of a wake up call for me then, we plan but Allah is the biggest of planners. The targets we tend to set are more to do with the achievements of this world, the best target we could set is to do with the hereafter.

I must admit, many of things I set out to achieve by the age of 29 has not been fulfilled; some of them I know deep in my heart will most like never become true; though somewhere in me, I have hope that Allah’s plan is much better and bigger than the one I had.

Becoming a mum before the age of 25 was really not part of my plan, but it was part of Allah’s plan and probably the best I have had so far.  It has taught me so many things about life and about myself. I have been blessed with motherhood, even though maybe I have had to give up on other things; but I wouldn’t change it for anything else in this world.

When I turned 29, I decided it was time to change those milestones I had set; some were outdated and others were just not practical; maybe the best choice is to leave it all to Allah, for Him to decide what is to come without really planning too much ahead.

When my dad passed away, me and my siblings decided to talk to my mum and let her know that we will support her if she ever decides to get married again. Loneliness can be something quite hard to deal with, especially if you have spent most of your life by someone’s side. I clearly remember my mum’s answer: “ No matter how hard it gets here in this world on my own, I at least have the hope that in the hereafter, I will be with your dad again, as his wife once more.” This for me is one of  the “Happily ever after” - to have experienced true love and to be willing to wait for the rest of your life to re-live it. They did not have the perfect marriage, but they had what it took to understand each other and to survive through their 25 years of marriage.

So, I have hope that no matter what I have had, and what I have in this world; what is to come in the Hereafter in every aspect of my life will be much better even if I have to wait for eternity InshaAllah. We are but travellers in this world.

My dear sisters, let’s stop running after the goals we have set here, and focus on the fruits we will reap there InshaAllah.

FREEDOM behind the veil

All we really want sometimes is to be truly free. Our daily struggles make it almost impossible to reach this freedom until we reach breaking point and we have to put everything in perspective. What if real freedom is actually separating us from all the life goals,all those milestones we have been setting ourselves to meet the standard of success set by society?

For years I have been busy trying to put the broken pieces back-  what if the pieces are not meant to be put together agin? What if, it was meant to be broken in the first place so that it can be a unique and beautiful piece of work? I told one of my friend once that I’m broken, and her answer was you are a beautiful kind of broken cos you are expensive and no one can really afford you. Bearing in mind that at that time, my friend was having her own crisis and feeling ‘broken’ herself- it hit home at that time- not that what she said meant much- but the simple fact she had something to say to make me want to feel better about myself. 

Today’s blog is mainly a thank you, first and foremost to God - the Creator and the Healer and then to all those people who have contributed in a way or the other to shape me - the people who’ve left good memories and those who have also hurt me at times. When we are at a point in life where we feel low, everything else feels negative - but when we manage to drag yourself out of this self-pity mode and look at things - even the negative people in our life has brought about some positivity.

Society has set certain standards and certain rules, culture has also set additional norms to follow and sometimes our value system does not agree with those rules and norms but we want to fit in badly - we feel the need to belong as humans and we try to adhere to those rules and norms set. Then we start living a lie - a life to please others: our parents, our family, our friends, the community and so on- we try to mould ourselves into their mould, but we forget we were not made for these moulds, so failure was guaranteed from the beginning.

We live in a world where everything is materialistic, where relationships have become a business deal - whereby people won’t help you  unless you give something in return; where friendship,love and all relationships have become business dealings of give and take and once you have nothing to give - you are sent to the scrapyard. This can be hard for givers - who were born to give automatically, who were raised to not expect anything in return when they give. As a giver, you are constantly intentionally or unintentionally putting yourself in positions where people will take, to the point where you are drained of giving and you have given too much of yourself- where you are exhausted from putting others’ needs above yours. 

A message for givers: you have needs too and you also need to learn to take and find other givers who will give you back and not just take from you. Your kindness is what makes you extraordinary, but your kindness is also what makes you vulnerable. Some people are born takers: everything is a business deal and is about making profit - and if you are not careful, you will end up losing more than you intended to give. Do not let anyone have this power over you without them intending to give you something else in return. It is a selfish world out there and you got to look out for yourself! Learn to say No! Learn to say Enough!

In the process of giving, I’ve lost myself more than once - but i’m glad i’ve learnt to step back and to say No! Enough! For years, I’ve been trying to find myself again - but I was looking in the wrong place all along - I was looking to find myself in a society/community I didn’t belong to. But today, I’ve found myself - and I know I do not belong and never will - my values are too different, my beliefs do not fit in and I certainly would be more unhappy trying to fit than live by what I believe in.

When I was at uni, we had this cartoon picture where friends would tag each other according to the type of characteristics/personality  traits  others thought was closer to them. I remember being tagged as ‘the one who takes no crap’. At that time, I remember laughing about it but never really pondering why everyone agreed to it. But today it makes perfect sense: I was the type of person who would tell you things the way they were whether it offends you or not and I just didn’t let anyone walk over me. I was actually proud of that me- because I stood for what I believed in and what I believed to be right rather than what would be acceptable according to society’s standards. I set the rules back then- I was the Alpha- the pack leader - the one nobody dared to mess with.

But then, life happened and I broke. My ex-husband was warned about me - I warned him myself and people around me warned him - I was too strong for my own good - I was not one to break easily and to put up with nonsense. Maybe, he took it as a challenge and had to prove everyone else wrong. God knows best, but you cannot completely break what God is protecting. Today, I thank God for the bad experience - it has made me even stronger and firmer in my belief. Every experience good or bad counts and make us who we are today, and I wouldn’t be where I am without the bad experience. Some people come into our life to stay, others to teach us a lesson and move on. So, I would like to thank him too for the lesson - my experience of him has taught me a lot and has definitely make me believe that God believed I was stronger than I thought.

Some years back, I used to wear the face veil - something I took on because I wanted to. My family was not keen on the idea though they did not contest it. They believed I was going through some form of extremism in the religion- and truth be told even I started to think maybe I was lately. Wearing the face veil though was not for me to show my piety but it was something I did in my personal journey, something I did to please God as an extra act of worship. Then I found myself alone - raising my daughters; I felt the pressure of finding a job to provide for my family, the pressure of being a single Muslim woman out and about in the street with 2 kids in a non-muslim country and I gave in. I found all the excuses to take it off - to make my life easier. 

Today, I realise this was where things started to go downhill. It is just a piece of garment that doesn’t mean much maybe - but it was my decision- it was my faith that I jeopardised it. From then, all the other pieces of clothing became a formality - something that was accepted in the society I was trying to conform to, but it was a lie- a lie I was living as it didn’t represent me - I was not identifying the way I wanted to. I grew tired of 'practsing' Muslims who were completely hollow from inside and wanted and still want to separate myself from them - those cultural muslims who pray 5 times a day, dress like a muslim but who's character did not conform to the teaching of Islam.

For the past few weeks, I asked God to free me rather than to give me something I wanted - I wanted to feel free again and that’s the prayer I made. I attended my Sunday class in the mosque and prayed there and one more time asked God to free me when I come out of the mosque. This time, I felt a relief, I could not wait to be out of the mosque and I went home and as I got home- I texted 2 friends and said I feel like putting my face veil on. One asked me why and the other told me to do it if that’s what I feel like. So I went upstairs and rummaged through my box of clothes and found my face veil and gloves. Just as I was putting them on, my daughters walk in and they both said “Mummy, you look so beautiful like this. I like you like this.” 

Part of the reason I had given to myself before to take it off was about their safety - what if I get attacked while they are with me? But their little sentences struck home, so I looked up in the mirror and I recognised the person I was looking at - it was someone I have seen before and someone I was proud to be. It was then that I realised this is who I was looking for all along. It was God who protected me all along , not men.

So, I took them to the park with their scooters, we ran like crazy - had a race which I lost, but we haven’t had that much fun together in a while - they didn’t care I looked different - they valued me for being who I was - their mum. But, I felt FREE from everything that tied me down before.

So thank you, to you Miss I - my partner in crime for always supporting me; my family for your support and positive criticism, Yezarck- for being my role model and the big sister I always need and all my friends.

But I will also like to thank those people who intentionally or unintentionally have brought me hurt and pain along the way - cos without you, I would still be struggling to find myself, FREEDOM and PEACE. You as much or maybe even more than others contributed in making me stronger and helping me recognise my true identity. Some people are not meant to stay with us for the rest of the journey but they come into our life to teach us a lesson.

May God bless all of you!

Time to refresh, re-evaluate and re-construct Single Muslim Mums!

My blogs address a lot of the issues face by single muslims mums- as I am one. I have let this become my only identity- someone who is constantly thriving, constantly battling to survive . It has been a long, exhausting and lonely journey and it still is.

Most people don't choose single parenthood- it chooses us. The reason being is we are the chosen ones because God believes we can pull this up. We are strong enough for it, and as he promised "Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).

I've hit rock bottom so many times now that I've lost count, but what brings me back every time is my faith. I've had a long struggle with my imaan for about 10 years now. I threw myself in the deep end 10 years ago- raising the bar really high for what I consider make myself the best Muslim. This by far has been the greatest test of my life. I've lost perspective on what my aim is so many times. I am here to worship my Lord, and the rest is just experiences on the way. I mean obviously we need to have a career, a family life, friends etc but that's not our purpose- our purpose is not to please people or even to seek happiness in this world but rather in the hereafter. 

I blog to let other single Muslim Mums out there to know we are all going through the same thing- yes  we have to deal with the stigma of being divorced, single mums, of being a particular skin colour, of suffering from certain conditions which most people don't understand. 

Lately I have been a lot on survival mode- I was basically living because I have kids under my care- and I couldn't possibly abandon them. I lost interest in everything else- I forgot being myself. As a single mum who is not co-parenting it's hard to put yourself first. It's hard to find the time for you- when you are always busy providing and caring for others. The only me time us mums possibly have is when the kids are in bed. This doesn't even count so much as me time- as you are still stuck and limited in what you can do- you cannot step out, you cannot really enjoy a banter with an adult if you live by yourself. So, you try to find other things to do: like watching a film, reading a book , work out etc- but it get to the point where you are frustrated of the same routine day in and out- there's a void that's not being filled. 

I find that I struggle mostly when I forget to be who I used to be before being 'mum' and maybe the problem lays in me being so different from the old me. I am living a life contrary to my personality- from an extrovert- i've become an introvert, I used to have a lots of friends, now I can count all of them on the fingers of my right hand. I've learnt over the years to choose my friends carefully and not everyone is worthy of your trust - something I knew form a long time ago, but something that never bothered me much back in the days. I've learnt to bite my words and to adhere to social conventions, whereas the old me was outspoken and didn't mince my words. I've learnt people get offended easily when you speak the truth, I've learnt that nowadays you are in people's life only as long as you are useful to them. All those things re not really problem in themselves as this is how the world functions- the problem is when you believe in a different concept about what the world should be and you have the conviction that it should be something completely different and you struggle with the fact that you can't change it. You focus on bringing about the change in others- knowing full well that such a a change will never happen. Then anger builds in, and cos it's all been bottled down deep inside and you've not been able to convey your feelings- you start to suffocate under it and in all this you lose a little bit more of yourself.

I think not long ago I blogged about the fact that growing up, my dad used to say to me if someone shows you an apple and he believes it's an orange - there is no way in the world you will change his mind. I completely agree with the statement, but somewhere deep in me, I have to fight this injustice- It is just not right. I tried to ignore such things- just g with the flow- live according to the norms of society but it is just not me!

So then I sink into depression, cos I'm battling who I am with what I am expected to be. I had this thing about doing what's right since a very young age. I remember in primary school- some kids refused to play with certain kids cos their social status etc- even at a young age I made it a point to play with them at break times and to sit at their table when it was end of year party. I decided to ignore those other children who thought they were better than others. You can call it pride or ego if you like- but for me it was doing what's right.

As a single mum, we live by a lot of principles because we've seen people disrespecting our rights over and over again - and after becoming a single mum - I feel even more strongly about doing the right thing and to fight for the inequalities. When I give up on this, and just abide by the fake rules created by society- a piece of me die every time and so does my faith.

I have to keep reminding myself, it's not the religion- but the people. Do not judge a Islam by the actions of Muslims or else I would lose my beliefs. I have so many times given on different things that I upheld when my imaan is at its best, but when it's at its low- then I struggle and give in to worldly pleasure- such a listening to music rather than the Quran. And being fully aware - music is the disease of the heart. Music deal with emotions, and how we are feeling rather than what is the solution- the Qur'an on the other hand offers the solution "Which of the favours of your Lord will you deny? " ( Surah Al Rahman). This is one of my favorite surahs among many others. So now I blast it off- set new goals on where I want to be religiously. I was never too strict- the society was too lenient. When I'm pleasing my lord and I know all my actions are pleasing them- then in that I find happiness. I need to stop running after worldly things and keep preparing for the hereafter- let go of all the distraction and entertainment and fill my heart and my soul with that which will please my Lord.

So for all of you single muslim mums who are battling depression day in and out - cut everything else out- including your children- make Allah your only focus point and 'with every difficulty will come ease" (94:6). You do not need to become lenient towards your deen to please a society thats not aiming to please their Lord. I know this may sound weird because I've done it myself- kept to the strict minimum and think that's enough- but if you believe there is more to the religion then give it your all and put in practise all that is right- whether you earn a few friends on the way or lose some- but you will always have God by your side.

"Allah is sufficient for us and He is the Best Guardian". (Quran, Surah Al-Imraan)

Our rewards is and shall be with Allah alone.

Keep rocking and rolling my dear single muslim mums- lets aim for the hereafter together and quit trying to please others.

Umm Safia